Part 15: The last entry...for a long time

So regarding my last entry, yes, McMurphy and Chief ended up getting shock therapy. They are back from Disturbed, too.

It is the afternoon. The best night here turned into the worst morning.

A few nights ago Turkle is persuaded by McMurphy to open the window for Candy and Sandy to come in the ward. It turned into a party! Vodka and cough syrup were being mixed, while McMurphy, myself and Turkle smoked joints. Everyone was crazy, but it was fun. Sometime during the night Billy and Candy end up going off together somewhere.

When it got closer to morning we all realized we needed a plan, considering the staff was going to see the conditions of the ward and know something was going on during the night. McMurphy said we should tie up Turkle so it looks like he had nothin' to do with this and he could keep his job. McMurphy wants to escape, so he is used the party as his plan do to so. He tells Turkle to wake him and Sandy up right before the morning staff comes, but he falls asleep. The staff comes and sees everything.

Nurse Ratched was pissed, but no one took her seriously. Everyone couldn't keep their laughs in, and we didn't care considering our night was so much fun. Nurse Ratched and the staff search the rooms for Billy and find him and Candy in the Seclusion Room. Nurse Ratched tells Billy she is going to tell his mom about his actions, and he begs her not to. The poor guy was begging to the bitch. The. cut his own throat. I couldn't believe it. Billy was dead.

McMurphy attacked Nurse Ratched because this was her fault. He ripped her uniform off and tried to strangle her! She has returned, and can't speak. Some of the Acutes checked themselves out after all this.

McMurphy got a lobotomy because of the attack he made on Nurse Ratched. He was a vegetable when he came back from the operation yesterday. It just wasn't McMurphy.We woke up this morning to discover that he is dead. Don't exactly know how, but we do know that Chief escaped. The control panel was thrown through the window and he's gone.

I won't be writing in here anymore. There's no point, all the important people here have left. I am leaving as well.

Part 14: Disturbed ward, shock therapy

McMurphy and Chief haven't been here since the fight yesterday. They got sent to Disturbed ward, apparently. Idiots in the ward keep saying they ran away, but I know that's bullshit.

This morning we had a special group meeting. Nurse Ratched and the staff agree that it will be beneficial for McMurphy if he recieves shock therapy. I guess if he admits his mistakes, and "demonstrates rational contact" he won't have to get it. But McMurphy is pretty stubborn, and doesn't think he is wrong when doing something he wants to.

I don't want him to get shock therapy. I like McMurphy. He doesn't know when to shut the hell up though.

Part 13: Porn, shower, and...fighting?

The doctor is much closer to us now that he went on that trip with us. Infact, he actually got convinced to order subscriptions to Playboy, Nugget, and Man.

McMurphy requested that the therapeutic meetings were changed so that all the men didn't have to go all together. Nurse Ratched actually has a meeting without him, and I think she only agreed to do this because she wanted to talk about him.

We all had to shower because of the trip, so we didn't have any bugs on us. All of a sudden, I couldn't even make out who, started fighting with the black boys! It was all so fast, but it scared the shit out of me.

Part 12: Fishing

Dr. Spivey grants McMurph's wish to go fishing. He says his "aunt" will come too. McMurphy gathers money for he trip. Dr. Spivey had to join us because we needed another driver.

While on the boat we all catch fish and drink. We arrive back at the dock and the cops and the captain are waiting for us. We didn't care. Good thing the doctor said that the captain didn't provide us with enough life jackets, because then the cops left without arresting anyone. Billy has the hots for Candy, and McMurphy notices, so he arranged a date for them.

I had a good day. I'm so exhausted I wish I could just sleep. But my mind doesn't want to.

Part 11: Accompanied Leave, good ideas

There was a piece of cardboard where McMurphy punched into the glass. Now theres more like a cardboard wall, since he broke it again. It's like McMurphy is gaining control on the nurse, since he seems to always be messin' with her, no matter what the consequences may be for him.

McMurphy kept trying to get an Unaccompanied Leave the other day, but always got rejected. After about 4 times he seemed to try something different, and requested a hearing in the group meeting about an Accompanied Lave pass. He wrote on the bulletin board that he'd be accompanied by "a twitch I know from Portland named Candy Starr." He got rejected again, since they don't think Candy's a legitimate person to be accompanied by. Being told this, he walked up to the newly installed glass (still with the company stickers on it) and punched it.

McMurphy started a basketball team. He has an idea to request going fishing. Mrs. Ratched then starts putting news articles up on the bulletin board about boat wrecks and dumb shit like that so we wouldn't be able to go.

Part 10: Vera, Xray for TB, clean glass

I still can't sleep. I haven't slept more then 3 hours in the past 2 days. I don't know why. I'm always worried, always paranoid. I'm still keeping to myself. Observing more then participating.

We went to the library. I guess it's a nice thing, but I'm sick of being controlled and having these dumb schedules for our lives. Harding's wife visited. When she's called Mrs. Harding, she always says she's preferred to be called "Vera". The couple sit and mock each other's poor English when speaking. She also says she wishes Harding's "hoity toity" friends would stop by. The ones with the "nice long hair combed so perfectly and the limp little wrists that flip so nice". She then leaves, and Harding asks what McMurphy what he thought of her. He says "She's got on hell of a set of chabobs. Big as Old Lady Ratched's." I laughed to myself.

We then had to get X rays for TB. McMurphy finds out that Mrs. Ratched can send anyone she wants to get electroshock therapy and/or a lobotomy treatment. He also finds out that the rest of the Acutes are in the hospital voluntarily. He asks Billy why he would be there if he could be out driving convertibles or having romantic relationships, and Billy cries that he is not as brave as McMurphy.

We had another meeting. Nurse Ratched states that we should get punished for our insubordination for not cleaning a few weeks ago. I thought this was bullshit. She threatens to take away a game room. We all look at McMurph for his reaction, and he seems calm this time. After the meeting she goes into the station and McMurphy proceeds in there as well, saying he wants his cigarettes. She does not give them to him, and he punches the glass, and it shatters everywhere. He claims it was so spotless, he didnt even know it was there.

Part 9: R.I.P any sort of freedom, and Cheswick

At a meeting our freedom was brought up. Someone asked why the dorm rooms were locked on the weekends. Nurse Ratched stated that "if the dorms are left open, we have learned from previous experience, you men would return to bed after breakfast." No one understood the big deal about that, but basically she doesn't trust us to be in our rooms "alone". She wants us to be with other people. Watched. From the other side of that stupid glass.

Pissed off, someone brought up our cigarettes. "Then what about our cigarettes, Miss Ratched?". She doesn't really have a legitimate excuse for this one, you can tell as her voice changes. It seems that the other staff didn't even know about her keeping our cigarettes, and handing them out whenever she thought we could have one. She says to us and the questioning staff member that she keeps them so that we don't smoke up to five packs a day, like we have been. I think it's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would things like this help calm my "personality disorder" that they claim I have?

We all went swimming later on. It seemed like any other day, minus the frustration from Miss Ratched earlier. We were all just talking about how long people have been here, and how long they think they'll be able to stand it, when Cheswick did something out of the ordinary. He said something to McMurphy about wishing "something mighta been done, though" and dove into the pool. It all seemed very random, and confused us.

He got his fingers stuck in the grate at the bottom of the pool and it took the lifeguard, McMurphy, and the two black boys to try to get him out. They even got a screwdriver, but by that time Cheswick had already drowned.

Part 8: Eavesdropping

I heard the nurse and a few other people talking about McMurphy. I was walking down the hall, and they were all having conversation about the patients. It was a staff meeting, so why not eavesdrop?

They said that don't think that McMurphy has anything necessarily wrong with him, for him to be here. Then again some believe he is a psychopath. They debate about sending him to the "Disturbed" ward. Nurse Ratched states how she wants to keep him at our ward. One of the boys says that it can take weeks to crack him, but Nurse Ratched says that they have all the time they need in her devious voice. I heard her say, "we have weeks, or months, or even years if need be. Keep in mind that Mr. McMurphy is committed. The length of time he spends in this hospital is entirely up to us. Now, if there is nothing else...", then I walked away.

I wonder if I am "committed"? Am I stuck in this place until Nurse Ratched says I can leave?

I wonder if McMurphy even knows any of this...

Part 7: Fake World Series

It's seven in the morning and I still haven't slept. I can't sleep thinking that I am stuck in this building under control of someone I don't trust. She convinced me to trust her when I entered this place, but now I hate her. She makes my disorders worse then they were before.

Nurse Ratched told McMurphy that we can watch the World Series if he got enough votes together from the patients of the ward. After getting enough people to vote, we were all excited, and then she tells us that she cannot change the schedule which I mentioned to you earlier. After telling us this, we were all pissed, but knew we couldn't do anything about it. We left the room and heard a voice yelling from the room we were just in. Only one voice though. Confused, we go in to see what the commotion is, and find McMurphy yelling at the television pretending to watch a game. Nothing was on the television.

We saw Nurse Ratched observing, about to say something, so we all do the same thing to help McMurphy. We wanted to annoy her, and still prove to her she cannot ruin our fun. She eventually yelled at us to stop, but it was fun all in all.

Part 6: Monopoly < World Series

We've had a Monopoly game going for the past three days. McMurphy makes different rules of the game, like paying a penny every dollar the bank issues to each person. It was a pretty amusing game, considering there's nothing else to do with our lives in this place.

We had another meeting, where McMurphy brought up the vote of the World Series again. He'd been pissed the first time it got brought up, since everyone was too "chicken shit" (which is what he called it) for not raising their hands to vote. Myself and one other person voted, I don't see why someone should be scared to do so. He offered to do cleaning work at night instead, so we can have TV time when it was on. Nurse Ratched says no, which is what was expected, and says that "the schedule has been set up for a delicately balanced reason that would be thrown into turmoil by the switch of routines". It all sounded like bullshit to me.

A little while later McMurphy is still really pissed that no one voted or helped him out. He doesn't see any reason why people shouldn't have voted, and says that he hasn't missed a World Series in years. I don't blame him for getting mad, I wanted to watch it too. He tries to escape by picking up and tossing the control panel, which is unbelievably heavy. He bet the guys 5 dollars, and Fredrickson was being an ass, asking if he was giving up every time McMurphy stopped to get his strength back. McMurphy tried so hard to pick the thing up, and ended up not getting it, making him more pissed off and walked out of the room.

Part 5: McMurphy...in a towel?

We were all sitting around the ward this afternoon when all of a sudden McMurphy steps out of the latrine door in a towel. I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose, just to push her buttons, but he's got some nerve for doing so. You should have seen the look on her face. He said "Good Morning Miss Ratched" and walked along as if nothin' was wrong. She went up to him and yelled how he can't run around the ward in a towel as she stares at him in disbelief. He says something smart, like, "Are towels against the ward rules too" or somethin', and nearly takes it off in front of her. She tells him to "get back in your dorm this instant!" like he's some ten year old who's gotten sent to their room. He said someone stole the clothes, which I don't believe, considering he lies about a lotta crap he does. Plus I don't know why anyone would want to steal some of the ward's clothes, considering they are clothes you get from the prison or something. They eventually disappeared to take care of that issue, while all of the rest of us were laughing from the other room, where they didn't seem to see us watching.

Part 4: Another day playing Blackjack

It's been pretty quiet around the ward. We played Blackjack for a good amount of the day today. Nurse Ratched decided to play the music louder than usual today, a little too loud. We didn't mind it at first, but then we started realizing we could barely concentrate playing with the speaker blaring right over our card table. McMurphy got pretty annoyed with the music and was yelling about it. Nurse Ratched was yelling at him when he went into her station, and scared her when she was handing the pills out to people. She got pretty angry and was screaming at him to get out - and that the station was not for patients. She was yelling for the two black guys; it seems like she relys on them for every duty. McMurphy seems to be the voice we've needed around here, he's the only one who's got some balls to say anything. He's growing on me.

Part 3: I hate Therapeutic Community

It is afternoon. I've been posting these things during the times I cannot sleep, so it's kind of weird that I'm actually enjoying this stupid journal. Gives me something to do I guess.

I feel pretty alone here. I don't connect with these people as much as they connect with one another. I guess I do have a paranoid personality disorder...

This morning we had a group meeting. One of those "Therapeutic Community Meetings". It was so stressful today and didn't help me feel relaxed at all. First Nurse Ratched was trying to get someone to open up voluntarily. No one said a word, which of course is pretty awkward. Then, she made someone talk, Harding. She wouldn't stop asking him about his relationship with his wife back at home. I guess they've had some problems, him being crazy and what not. She kept nagging the poor guy to talk about it and it was pissing me off. I didn't say anything though, I didn't feel like getting punished for having some sort of attitude. I just sat back and observed the awkwardness of the conversation.

I guess McMurphy raped some fifteen year old. He claims she was seventeen though. He's thirty-five years old...I couldn't see why even raping a seventeen year old would make it any better. But whatever, that guy is crazy. I knew there was something weird about him. Couldn't trust a guy after hearing that...

Part 2: Make sure you take your medication...

This place has turned into my home. I don't even remember the last time I was in the outside world. I don't know why I'm still in here. I don't feel like this medication is helping me relax any more, or sleep better for that matter.

I don't know how I feel about MacMurphy yet. The guys seem to like him, but I still don't know. He's still fighting back with Nurse Ratched and having an attitude. He doesn't seem to want to be here, but then again who does?

Maxwell Taber got punished for refusing to take his medication. Nurse Ratched gave him some kind of shot, I heard it was electroshock therapy. I guess it helped him in some way or another.

I guess I'll try to sleep now...

Part 1: I introduce this journal...

To start this journal off, I guess I'll have to tell you a little about myself. I've been in this ward, or prison to most of us here, for nearly 4 months. I apparently have a bad case of insomnia, as well as PPD, "Paranoid Personality Disorder"...so the doctors say. I don't trust some random person to tell me what's wrong with me and what's not. Then again, I don't really trust anyone with anything.

I'm sure you're aware of what Insomnia Disorder is, when "one is incapable to fall asleep or maintain it." I've heard that definition plenty times in my life. And I guess I do believe them when they tell me I have it, considering it's four o' clock in the morning and I've already tried counting thousands of sheep. Other than that, I don't trust them to tell me I have anything else wrong with me.

So there are the reasons why I am in this place.

In our last "Therapeutic Community" meeting I was given this journal and was told to write down anything I wanted at any time. So it gives me something to do when I can't sleep at night. I fucking hate those meetings. This place is full of people who call themselves doctors and tell us what to do and what is wrong with us "patients". I don't trust any of them, but I guess a journal wouldn't be so bad to have.

After our meeting, I had to go wait in line for my pills. I didn't want to, but the last time I refused to take them I had to mop the floors like that big quiet guy named Chief had to do. I don't know why someone should be able to shove some pills down my throat without even having my consent. I think it's bullshit, but I guess I'm some crazy person who needs them.

A new guy checked into the ward today. I think his name is McMurphy, or Randle, or something. I can't really tell what he's in here for, but he was yelling like a lunatic when he walked in. He walked in like he owned the place. He refused to sign in, and refused to shower. He also started harassing the big guy Chief while he was mopping the floors (again). He seems like a jackass, and I wouldn't trust him for anything. McMurphy, that is.